"If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem."

I’m sorry but thats simply it. If all gays would be like you, I guess a gay like me would already have been killed. fortunately not every homo is a coward and .. good news.. you dont need to keep on beeing one as well. coming out is not easy. sometimes it can bring hurtful reactions. it can even beeing dangerous. and a coming out never stops. I have to do it again every time I met new people. and there are people, strangers, working partners, police man, whatever that sometimes scares the shit out of me. there is no way of getting used to it for me. But what this world needs is courage. how should a society learn about courage and freedom if we dont even have it for ourselfs. and how should they learn if nobody teaches them.”
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That was a comment to the post "Why not coming out?" And I wanted respond to you, Gina, in a post.

I’m aware of that the only thing that keeps me away from anything is me. That I’m deliberately, maybe cowardly, choosing an easier path right now.

As I understood, I’m supposedly harming the LGBT community by being in a closet. I’m not denying that, but I not willing to sacrifice myself for that either, sorry I’m just a human being who wants to be happy and is trying not to harm himself on the way, as much as it’s possible.

And I just know that right now I’m not ready to be out. Propably because I have nothing and nobody to fight for, nothing seems to be awaiting me once I come out. I’m not strictly worried about “hurtful reactions” as you put it, I’ve been exposed to those since birth as an immigrant, in the country where I live. My environment seems to be pretty open and understanding. But I guess the biggest thing is the family, that’s something more than just a “hurtful reactions”.

But I need to say that i’m not talking about my sexual orientation with people at all. People just assume though I never say anything to anybody about anything. Actually often I’m not even really hiding my attraction to women among some friends. Propably if they’d ask I’d tell them I’m attracted to women.

Most importantly I’m not this kind of closeted hypocrite or the one that shies away from the topic.

On the contrary, I’m known as a very liberal person, who is very much supporting LGBT community and is into the gender and feminist subject, going to specific places and events. I publicly despise homophobics, I publicly support LGBT and freely talk about it with people, online as well as offline. I constantly find myself in a middle of argument about homosexual’s right to have children, not believing how people could be so pretending to be tolerant but in fact be such a narrow minded homophobes. Propably some of them seeing how I talk, seeing my interests and places I go, propably assume that I’m gay. And that’s the other side of people’s assumptions. Which I will most likely not deny to some. As long as it’d NOT be someone from family.

But still, part of me is very strongly idealistic, my worldviews and beliefs are something that I’m gonna fight for. I can deny being something/someone but I will not be denying my ideals and values ever.

I’m really happy for you, Gina, that you’ve found somebody to share your life with. But maybe you forgot how life could look like on the other side. You do have something to fight for and you are out just for yourself and your other half, not for other people. You’re selfishly doing it for yourself, to be happy with the person you love. And it’s perfectly normal. And it’s good, even perfect that people could start to understand that along with your choice. But we still do everything for ourselves.

But you’re right, I cannot decide for them how they think about me and let them think by themselves. But that is a change that I must prepare myself for it. For my own sake. Thanks.

Complicated Universal Cum - I can hardly wait

I’ve watched this video countless times. I think it needs to be shared immediately.

I bet any women would go gay* for the time of 4 minutes and 13 seconds exactly.
Some day soon I’m going to show this video to my straight friends**. Gonna post their reaction here.

* “girl boner” sounds great.
** and still holding to the idea that every woman is gay on some level.

Anonymous asked:
I'm 18 and I realized that I am more interested in woman since I was 13, I think? At first, I just ignore it, I thought it's not that serious. But as I grow old, the more I realized that this is getting serious. I'm scared to show off. I'm scared what people may think of me, or my friends might treat me wrong or something. How about you? I'm just wondering, why do you keep it?

Why I’m still not coming out? That’s a pretty important question that myself I find it hard to answer.

Keep in mind, that I’m sharing these thoughts with you not to complain on my life or to purposely make myself a victim. It’s just like stating the facts. And it’s just that some people could actually find here something for themselves. Because people in closet doesn’t speak up much.

Let me just point things out,

## The Society
Of course, the society reaction is indeed one of the problems. But as I know my friends and collegues, they are rather okay with homosexuality. “My people” are tolerant and I’m realy proud of them. But, being tolerant and actually responding to something is a whole different thing. What I am afraid is that my female friends are going to be (even unconsciously) distanced from me automatically, once they know. They would be feeling slightly insecure. But differently as though they’d be around boys, because the boy and girl connection is just still feels natural. And when it comes to the same-sex relations it’s just something…unknown.

And I can totally comprehend it. And maybe they are right to be insecure, because I find myself really attracted to some of my closest friends. I’m just trying not to act on it.

## Personal insecurities
I’m just a coward. Sharing any of sexuality aspects with others makes me very uncomfortable. I’m not able to talk with my friends about intimate things. I’m never the person who could start something out. Though in everyday life I seem to be quite bold and couragous as my friends would say, I cannot relate this behaviour to human relations. Especially if they concerns me. I’m running from every intimate situations that I’m sharing with other person, no matter who they are. I have never found enough will and strength to actually pursue close relationships with people. Either I’m waiting for things to happen or I’m just running. I know how pathetic it sounds but they say that being aware of the problem is the first step to improvement, right?

Therefore, right now, I cannot imagine my life as an out of a closet lesbian, (god I hate this word, the very sound of it). This would mean that I’d have to be comfortable with my sexuality. I’m not. Yet.

## Family
Last but not least…actually, this is the biggest issue that I’m facing. Family. Because of that I’m actually strongly considering to never come out also to never pursue any relationship with women. And just leave my desires locked up deep deep down myself. I’m so used to being unhappy that I can actually, out of fear, continue that way. Though I like living my life, I have no hope finding anykind of happiness in my life…

This…this was the moment when I just surprised myself. I never expected to write anything like this, like these words above about happiness or the lack of it. Actually, I realized the state of my happiness the moment I’ve written the sentence. Never thought to sound so sad. And oh, this is just coming out as a self-therapy blog, great. Gonna try to keep it to minimum next time.

Anyways, I’m an Asian living in Europe. As you could guess, my family’s way of raising a child and having a family is really, really, conservative. My whole life is suppose to be planned.

Besides finishing all degrees and having a well-paid job in notable bank or anything concerning economy the most important thing is - FAMILY = Husband + Kids.
Husband till 30, kids till 35. And keep going till my kids won’t start families on their own, then I can peacefully die.

And you should understand the mechanics of it - this is just the most MUST-BE thing in my life otherwise I’m screwed. Which means that I’m for sure lost to my further, big family (my family is as big as a small village in country of my origin). What about the closest one?
To say the truth I can just imagine, but I’m clueless what they could do. They could beat me out of the idea, have me send to some treatment, kick me out or as well as accepting me to some extend after some long time. My relationship with my family was always terrible. But I know mother loves me, but to what extend?o what extend?

"2 women share 1st kiss at US Navy ship’s return"

you propably already know this, but it’s not the point. (the point is to see how you, tumblers, the short-form-of-content-lovers, gonna put up with my text ;)) I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings on this, which are amazing. I was immensely happy when I read about the day that it happened. My reaction maybe was a little bit exaggerated, but at that moment this little news mattered to me so much.

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Once I googled “lesbian movies”.

Surprisingly, the first result is my movie list I created exactly on the 1st January 2011. Entitled: "Greatest Lesbian Movies"

I re-read these comments people had written at the bottom of that list, recalled many e-mails they had sent me and still are sending.
Movies suggestions are not only things that people are sharing with me. It’s the appreciation of my efforts and most of all, appreciation for my little confession that i’ve made in the list’s description, making this thing personal. Making people believe that they’re not alone.
I truly humbled that they trust me enough to share their intimate details of their lives with me. And I love replying to them, helping just by being there.

I’m doing my best to trustfully answer to every mail I get. Making an effort to be hopeful.
I do feel like it’s my job to do, I can’t just abandon their stories and confessions, because I know that the reason they write is that they have no one to talk about it. And I know what it’s like.

While comprehending reactions to this movie list, which by the way I would never imagine that it could get so much attention, I asked myself, why keep these thoughts closeted in my inbox? As a born blogger (blogging for over a decade*), I decided to start this tumblr.
Which isn’t going to be an another-pretty-tumblr-with-pretty-halfnaked-women-forlesbians or pretty-tumblr-with-nice-hipster-pics (ok, maybe sometimes).

I’m just going to write about me, about you, about us. How is it to be in the closet. A place for thoughts of a young, not straight, not yet outed actually deeply in closet, woman.
You should know, you’re not alone. And I have to convince myself that too, thanks to you.

Stay there, hear me out and write out.

P.S: Let’s make a deal. I won’t judge you if you don’t judge me.

*it does sound as if i’m kinda old, but not really, This thing I could share with you I guess - I’m in my early twenties.